it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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