If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
