I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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