I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
