I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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