i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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