You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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