Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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