Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
