I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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