so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
