i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I DEMAND FORESKIN
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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