went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
