he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
