Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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