If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
