I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So here I am, sexting at work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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