someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
