Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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