alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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