Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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