I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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