These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
