Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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