So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
