were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
