she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
