WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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