R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
