just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Jerry, you need to find god
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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