I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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