Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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