3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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