So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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