We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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