i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
