dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize