So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
