Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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