How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
