i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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