Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
