Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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