My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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