I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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