my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
