I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
