ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
