I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
