worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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