OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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