And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
