he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
