Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
