how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize